Newletter 24-05-20 and a couple of Jokes

Good Morning,

Can you believe it??? News Letter no. 10!!!  How many more of these will you have to put up with???  Worry not ….. I’ve got new ink cartridges and reams of paper!!! I can last until March …. 2021 !!!  2022!!!

I hope you are all well and getting as much exercise as you need!! I’m not a Boris critic, but do think it was a massive mistake to let people exercise as much as they want and go where they want. The scenes in Cornwall are horrendous!!! The beaches are PACKED!! AND with no toilet facilities, I’ve read some disgusting, unhygienic reports!!

I hope you’re all eating well and looking after those plants!! Many thanks to those who have returned my pots!! I planted early potatoes on the 20th March and 60 days later, yesterday,  we had our first new potatoes!! I know a certain Mr Blenkinsop beat me to it, BUT … WOW they are delicious!!

My second fire was another warm evening!!! There I was, sitting on my bench, drinking a cold cider and minding my own business, when a bloody fox walked right in front of me!!! No social distancing, BUT I screamed so loud, I don’t think that fox will be back for a few days!!! He’s probably looking for a toilet himself!!

Been out walking most days this week. Flask of coffee and a biscuit down at Gurnard. Lovely. People cross over, everyone speaks to everyone but you have to have eyes in the back of your head!!! I reckon I need wing mirrors! People just seem to appear from nowhere!! Joggers and cyclists are the worst!! That reminds me, Steve Morris cycled past us one afternoon!!!

Spending a fortune on hand cream but why put aftershave on??? Unless you pour a bottle over your head, who can smell you at 2 metres!!!! The Tesco delivery man must wash in it, because after he’d left last Tuesday, the porch stank of it!!!!

T.V continues to be a let down. I did watch a bit of the German football last week, but I was bored by half time. If you don’t care who wins, if you don’t know any of the players, and there is more atmosphere down our green on a Saturday afternoon, what do you expect!!! I’ve paused my sky sports so was surprised to get last weeks football. Can’t get it anymore. If you’ve got Sky Sports don’t forget to phone up and pause it …. why pay money for nothing!!!

Think we are all saving money at the moment. What I’m saving on alcohol I’m watering my garden with !! It’s been so dry and I think I’ve watered my vegetables almost every night. I’m not sleeping very well. Loads of people are saying the same. It’s weird isn’t it? I watched Question Time this week until nearly midnight, but still woke up several times during the night!!

As you may already know, the Committee are having a ZOOM meeting next week. There are so many decisions to be made. I hope you’ve all replied to Brian Knowles to let him know if you are likely to be bowling in the near future. Once we’ve had this meeting you’ll be informed of what can and cannot happen. There is a bit about bowls on the Isle of Wight on the back cover of this weeks County Press.

True story this …. a young female friend of mine has taken up gardening!! I can’t name her because a few of you know her. She’s a lovely person and really into growing vegetables. She’s constantly asking my opinion and calls me Monty … the gardening chap!!! Well last week she was texting me and at the end of her text, actually it must have been VE Day, she texted ….. Get dogging for victory!!!!!

Bloody hell, I thought Steve Lewis had nicked her phone!!!! (I think she meant DIGGING!)

Are you still doing housework?? Some friends phoned yesterday and asked if they could have a “drive chat” ? They drove to our drive, brought some Welsh cakes and we chatted!!! No need to hoover lounge! No need to pick up knitting (not mine!) I considered brushing down the drive, put a few pots straight, pull up a couple of weeds!!! Weird isn’t it!!

Thank you to Mr Greg Pullar for sending me 2 more jokes!!! Brian Knowles and Greg are the only two people allowed to criticise my jokes!!! If your jokes are better, and surely they must be, e-mail them to me !!


Greg’s jokes ….I am also learning the hokey cokey. Not all of it. Just the ins and outs!!

                     ….  I have had to change one of my online passwords and it has to be eight characters. So I have picked Snow White and the Seven dwarfs!!

As I was getting into bed she said, “You’re drunk!” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “You live next door!”

My wife says that I only have 2 faults. 1. I don’t listen  2. Something else

My brother plays football for a team called the Musketeers. They started the season well …three wins and a draw. all 4-1 and one 4 all 

Paddy wanted to sell his car so his mate told him to wind the mileage back a bit, and he would get a better price for it. He saw him a few days later and asked how he’d got on. Paddy said when he finished winding it back it only had 7000 on the clock, so he decided to keep it!!

Sylv. said to me I’m going to attack you with the neck of my ukulele!! I said, is that a fret??

I’ve finally managed to cure my dry skin problem …. I’ve stopped using towels !!

I wonder what my parents did to fight the boredom before the internet. I asked my 17 brothers and sisters, and they didn’t know either!

My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with wearing different clothes every half an hour!! I said, “Wait …. I can change!!”

I belong to a family of failed magicians  ….. I’ve got two half-sisters!!

and finally ….

As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said …. “You know, one would have been enough!!”

Please take care and stay safe! We will all meet up again one day … that’ll be some party!!! Keep talking. We are the best Bowls Club on the Isle of Wight, and we are here for each other! Have a good week!!


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