Newletter 24-05-20 and a couple of Jokes

Good Morning,

Can you believe it??? News Letter no. 10!!!  How many more of these will you have to put up with???  Worry not ….. I’ve got new ink cartridges and reams of paper!!! I can last until March …. 2021 !!!  2022!!!

I hope you are all well and getting as much exercise as you need!! I’m not a Boris critic, but do think it was a massive mistake to let people exercise as much as they want and go where they want. The scenes in Cornwall are horrendous!!! The beaches are PACKED!! AND with no toilet facilities, I’ve read some disgusting, unhygienic reports!!

I hope you’re all eating well and looking after those plants!! Many thanks to those who have returned my pots!! I planted early potatoes on the 20th March and 60 days later, yesterday,  we had our first new potatoes!! I know a certain Mr Blenkinsop beat me to it, BUT … WOW they are delicious!!

My second fire was another warm evening!!! There I was, sitting on my bench, drinking a cold cider and minding my own business, when a bloody fox walked right in front of me!!! No social distancing, BUT I screamed so loud, I don’t think that fox will be back for a few days!!! He’s probably looking for a toilet himself!!

Been out walking most days this week. Flask of coffee and a biscuit down at Gurnard. Lovely. People cross over, everyone speaks to everyone but you have to have eyes in the back of your head!!! I reckon I need wing mirrors! People just seem to appear from nowhere!! Joggers and cyclists are the worst!! That reminds me, Steve Morris cycled past us one afternoon!!!

Spending a fortune on hand cream but why put aftershave on??? Unless you pour a bottle over your head, who can smell you at 2 metres!!!! The Tesco delivery man must wash in it, because after he’d left last Tuesday, the porch stank of it!!!!

T.V continues to be a let down. I did watch a bit of the German football last week, but I was bored by half time. If you don’t care who wins, if you don’t know any of the players, and there is more atmosphere down our green on a Saturday afternoon, what do you expect!!! I’ve paused my sky sports so was surprised to get last weeks football. Can’t get it anymore. If you’ve got Sky Sports don’t forget to phone up and pause it …. why pay money for nothing!!!

Think we are all saving money at the moment. What I’m saving on alcohol I’m watering my garden with !! It’s been so dry and I think I’ve watered my vegetables almost every night. I’m not sleeping very well. Loads of people are saying the same. It’s weird isn’t it? I watched Question Time this week until nearly midnight, but still woke up several times during the night!!

As you may already know, the Committee are having a ZOOM meeting next week. There are so many decisions to be made. I hope you’ve all replied to Brian Knowles to let him know if you are likely to be bowling in the near future. Once we’ve had this meeting you’ll be informed of what can and cannot happen. There is a bit about bowls on the Isle of Wight on the back cover of this weeks County Press.

True story this …. a young female friend of mine has taken up gardening!! I can’t name her because a few of you know her. She’s a lovely person and really into growing vegetables. She’s constantly asking my opinion and calls me Monty … the gardening chap!!! Well last week she was texting me and at the end of her text, actually it must have been VE Day, she texted ….. Get dogging for victory!!!!!

Bloody hell, I thought Steve Lewis had nicked her phone!!!! (I think she meant DIGGING!)

Are you still doing housework?? Some friends phoned yesterday and asked if they could have a “drive chat” ? They drove to our drive, brought some Welsh cakes and we chatted!!! No need to hoover lounge! No need to pick up knitting (not mine!) I considered brushing down the drive, put a few pots straight, pull up a couple of weeds!!! Weird isn’t it!!

Thank you to Mr Greg Pullar for sending me 2 more jokes!!! Brian Knowles and Greg are the only two people allowed to criticise my jokes!!! If your jokes are better, and surely they must be, e-mail them to me !!


Greg’s jokes ….I am also learning the hokey cokey. Not all of it. Just the ins and outs!!

                     ….  I have had to change one of my online passwords and it has to be eight characters. So I have picked Snow White and the Seven dwarfs!!

As I was getting into bed she said, “You’re drunk!” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “You live next door!”

My wife says that I only have 2 faults. 1. I don’t listen  2. Something else

My brother plays football for a team called the Musketeers. They started the season well …three wins and a draw. all 4-1 and one 4 all 

Paddy wanted to sell his car so his mate told him to wind the mileage back a bit, and he would get a better price for it. He saw him a few days later and asked how he’d got on. Paddy said when he finished winding it back it only had 7000 on the clock, so he decided to keep it!!

Sylv. said to me I’m going to attack you with the neck of my ukulele!! I said, is that a fret??

I’ve finally managed to cure my dry skin problem …. I’ve stopped using towels !!

I wonder what my parents did to fight the boredom before the internet. I asked my 17 brothers and sisters, and they didn’t know either!

My wife is threatening to leave me because of my obsession with wearing different clothes every half an hour!! I said, “Wait …. I can change!!”

I belong to a family of failed magicians  ….. I’ve got two half-sisters!!

and finally ….

As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said …. “You know, one would have been enough!!”

Please take care and stay safe! We will all meet up again one day … that’ll be some party!!! Keep talking. We are the best Bowls Club on the Isle of Wight, and we are here for each other! Have a good week!!


Message from Alan

Hi Folks

I trust you are all well and have been keeping to the government’s guidelines, getting bored by the minute, but the only consolation has been the weather being so good. Well, yesterday I went down to our green and was amazed at how fantastic it looked, thanks to a half dozen or so members, who have given up their time weekly and, in a couple of cases, daily, to to do the general maintenance.

Now there has been a minor relaxation on the guidelines from the government, I am asking if there is anybody able to give a little time each week to assist, as there are a few jobs which need attention, therefore more hours required. I would not expect anyone who is in a high-risk category to volunteer and a two-metre distance would be maintained at all times. Members, who are able to help out, please contact Brian Blenkinsop for further instructions.

Hopefully, we may be bowling again in the near future but firstly the committee has to provide the necessary safety equipment and rules which will include a booking system.

I look forward to seeing you all again in better circumstances. Keep safe.

Alan Mabey


Newsletter 16-05-20

Good Morning,

Well it’s morning at the moment … might be the afternoon before I get it finished!!!

How are we all?  Strange, because I suspect small groups of all of us are keeping in contact with close friends, whereas no one knows how we all are!!

It’s still the same isn’t it ?  What else can you do all day ? Gardening is great if you are fortunate enough to have a garden, and if you are able/interested enough to spend 9 weeks in it!!

I’ve just taken down a dead tree! I love using a chainsaw!! I feel confident and safe, I don’t take risks and it was going so well until Sylv arrives!!! Then she panics, tells me to be careful, not to do that, “Here put these goggles on”, Ooooh!! Then I’m a bloody nervous wreck, too scared to cut my finger nails with a pair of scissors!!!!

Anyway, it’s done!! I had a  tremendous fire last Thursday night! Did anyone see the flames!! My poor tomato plants had a bit of a roasting, and the greenhouse glass warmed up a bit!!! I was sitting on my bench, like a Cornish Pixie, watching the fire and enjoying a can of magners!  It was gone 10.00 pm and not one fox or badger appeared!! I’m going to have one last fire tonight so go out into your gardens at 10.00 and look for the sky being lit up!! Those garden incinerators are good aren’t they!!!

FINAL mention I promise, BUT a big THANK YOU TO ALL who kindly donated. Sylvia raised £865 for the Hospice, and I raised £249.20 for SMILE by selling plants!! Isn’t that fantastic!!

I hope your plants are growing well. I put most of my tomatoes out last weekend!!! Think I got away with it!! The last few, plus courgettes and squash plants, are going in today!

PLEASE, PLEASE, if you are passing could you drop those beautiful square pots back to me. I’d normally invite you in for a coffee but this year …..


I wonder when we will get down to our bowling green again?

The Committee are meeting to discuss what could/should happen!!  A good job my hair is growing back, as we are planning one of those ZOOM evenings!!! Must iron a shirt!!! That’s something I’ve not done for 8 weeks!! Sylvia has a zoom ukulele meeting twice a week!! No matter how many doors I close, “Oh When the Saints” still seems to squeeze in under the bloody door!

Should be most helpful for planning the way forward, and probably entertaining!!!


I’m going to watch FOOTBALL on TV this afternoon …. B Dortmund  v  Schalke !!   KOMM SCHON WOLFE !!!

(That means, “Come on Wolves!!”)

I’ve given up with TV!  Enjoy The A Word on Tuesday evenings, EMMERDALE is everyones’ favourite, and Would I Lie to You is always worth a watch And of course, Gardeners World.

Has anyone had any good Take-aways?  Last night we had our first one. Really good food from NOVO in Newport. Free delivery if you spend £25. PHONE NUMBER: 641489. Look at the menu on their website. Any other suggestions? 

Stay safe


Belated Newsletter

Good Morning,

How are we all this beautiful weekend? I hope you’re all well and prepared for another 3 weeks of lockdown!! I know it’s only my opinion, and everyone I talk to has a different view, but I hope that we don’t rush out of this and regret it forever! I’ve still got plenty to do and if I get stuck I’ll watch Gunsmoke or The High Chaparral!! I’m sure Robbie could recommend a few war films!!!

Do you get mixed up with the days?? I don’t have a clue anymore!! No pattern, although I do write this newsletter on a Saturday … is it Saturday today???


I have sold 213 plants !!! The last few I put on my drive and they went instantly!!! The last four Brian B very kindly agreed to let Mr Gustar have! I always said what a nice man Brian B is!!!

Now my Maths is good, so 213 plants at 50p each is ….. £224.20 !!!! ABSOLUTELY AMAZING!!!! and all that goes in our SMILE CHARITY BOX!!!  You have all been SO, SO generous!!! I Now I hope they all grow and you have bumper crops!!!

My greenhouse is planted up, and the others are hardened off ready to plant out ….. but be careful, as the weather this Sunday and Monday is COLD and WINDY, so I’m waiting until next Tuesday!

AND … I will have a few hot chilli plants and peppers for sale in a few weeks  …. watch this space!!



Sylvia completes her Walk the Wight tomorrow morning! I have to say how impressed I am with her commitment, effort and dedication to such a good cause. Every morning for 30 days she has walked, run, jogged, hula hooped, stretched, looked in the kitchen window to see me making my boiled eggs and soldiers, watched me wash up, and still she hasn’t stopped!!! A TREMENDOUS EFFORT! Watched and appreciated by regular walkers and neighbours!!!

Once again we have been overwhelmed by your generosity … she is walking again in memory of Fred Blackwell’s daughter Mez. THE TOTAL RAISED SO FAR IS …. £830 !!!! A massive THANK YOU to all who donated!!

Sylvia has been in touch with a lot of you to say a personal THANK YOU. If she’s not been in touch yet, she will. Obviously if you donated anonymously it will be difficult, but A BIG THANK YOU!

If you haven’t donated and would like to, it’s not too late. I’m sure the Hospice will not collect the usual massive amount as there is no Walk the Wight, and it is an amazing charity. THANK YOU.

 Any other news or gossip?

Sylv cut my hair again yesterday! She’s getting more adventurous and silver locks were flying everywhere!! Who said GREY? I got a bit worried when she said. “Your hair is easy to cut, nobody will know if I make a mess of it!!”

HAND CREAM …… Does anyone else use this??? After washing my hands about 40 times a day, I was horrified to see my hands were dry and splitting near the knuckles!!!! NOW every night before I tell Alexa to stop, I rub hand cream into my hands!!! At the moment I’m using ” Soaper Dupa, Super light, marvellous, magic moisture HAND CREAM with fruit smoothness, coconut water and kukui oil !!! BLOODY GOOD STUFF!

BUT ….  I’ve bought some new stuff !!! “Garnier, Skin Naturals, HANDREPAIR! ” and this stuff has got maple sap extract and glycerine!!!  I hope this is as good!

Can you recommend anything? Think I need to contact the AVON LADY !!!!

Anything good on T.V. ? I’m pleased that The A Word is back on! Emmerdale keeps me ticking over, and who knows, we might be watching German Football live on T.V. soon !!!

A continued THANK YOU to all those who work on our green. I’ve walked down a couple of times and they are doing an amazing job. Would have helped, but I’m watching my hands!!!


Message from the Committee

Hi Everyone

Following a number of calls and emails to both Alan Mabey (our president, in case you have forgotten) and me in the last 24 hours, I have been asked by him to contact you regarding the latest government guidelines about allowing some sports, including ours, to start up again.

Our committee are looking into the ramifications of these guidelines and are presently seeking further advice from BIOW before making any decision about a possible return to bowls, because there are obviously many factors to look at. Until then, our stance remains the same, which is that members should not use the green.

Thank you for your understanding and co-operation in this matter.

Best wishes


Newsletter 26-04-20

Good Afternoon,

And we are still at home!! And sadly, I think we will be for a little while longer!

I hope everyone is well and keeping busy. I’ll never spend so much time in my garden again, unless we are still here next year!! We are waiting for a weed to come up and we pounce!!!

Our usual huge thanks to all those who are making their way down to our green and doing such a tremendous job!! I’m off for a walk later so I’ll be able to see for myself!! THANK YOU TO ALL OF YOU !!!

Sylvia continues to walk, skip and hula hoop every morning, and has raised £380 for the Hospice so far. She walks in memory of Fred Blackwell’s daughter Mez, as she has done for several years. Thank you to those who have donated to this amazing charity. If you would like to see how Sylvia is progressing, click on this link :


I have potted up over 200 plants and I am delighted to say I’ve got orders for over 100! They are still in the greenhouse, but can be collected from Monday onwards. They are 50p each and all the money is going to SMILE, a charity we have been supporting for 10 years.

The plants have not been hardened off yet, but if you have a greenhouse or conservatory, you can put them there for a few more days. I normally plant mine out from the middle of May. It’s the frost we have to be wary of!

Like most plants, particularly cucumbers, courgettes and squash plants, we have an ENEMY in SLUGS !! I hope you have some slug pellets.

What I am suggesting is that you please phone me, (07890265946) and let me know when you would like to collect them. Please give me an hour to sort them out, label them and put them on the drive for you. I do not have any spare trays or boxes, so you will need to bring something to put the pots in. I am happy for you to put money in a tin that I will leave out for you. If you would sooner pay online, when you phone I’ll give you my bank details.

The plants look very healthy, but I do sing to them and tell them the occasional joke!! Seriously though, if you have any mishaps I can try to replace them!!

The cherry tomatoes sold instantly, but for your information I do have the following plants left …

Moneymaker …..38, Alicante …..32, Apricot Dream ….. 3, Zlatava …..11 and Yellow Perfection …..15

Zucchini …..1, Romanesco …..4, Sunstripe …..5 and Squash …..2

Peppers and chillis will be another few weeks.

If you have any space in your beautiful garden, all you need is a few feet of soil, a few canes and you will be surprised how easy it is to grow tomatoes !!


Wow! Sorry that seemed long winded!!

Any news? Gossip?

Tony Downs is chasing us for our indoor bowls entries for this winter. I will chase up my teams soon. Wouldn’t it be great if we could play this winter??? Wouldn’t it be great if Steve could buy me, Robbie and Pie a beer!!!! I can’t wait to buy the boys a beer!!!

Any recommendations for T.V. or films??  I don’t seem to watch anything except EMMERDALE!!!! We take in turns choosing films. Sylv chose Stan and Ollie last night and fell asleep at 9.15 !!! Must be my company??

Not much alcohol, just a bar of chocolate each night, I had a tube of smarties last night. Robbie is into kit-kats!! Think we are having a cream tea this Sunday for a treat …. think Robbie is calling around to collect a scone or two!!!

Stay safe

Latest Newsletter

Good Afternoon,

I hope you are all well and preparing for another 3 weeks of gardening, watching westerns and old war films, playing games on your I-pad, talking to your other half, (my wife has just told me her job at Woolworths has ended!!), reading, painting , planning what to have for tea, phoning your friends, receiving and sending funny/rude jokes and taking up new hobbies!!!!

WHEN this is all over, I wonder how many of us will have new hobbies??

I’m thinking about taking up bowls ??? Yes, right, who was the first to say “You’ve never played before!!!” My money is on Merv! or Pie? or John Hall??

I expect a lot of you have got into quite a routine by now.  I can’t believe it’s so difficult to stay at home and do what you want!!

Anyway, please find an attached list of plants that I have potted up, and will be ready for collection in about 2 weeks. If you would like any, please phone me on 293867 or 07890265946, text me or e-mail me with your order. All the money goes to Sylvia’s SMILE CHARITY. WE can sort the payment out later. Obviously online payment would be easier, but I will accept cash as long as you have put it through the washing machine!!

When they are ready I’ll let you know, so your phone number would be handy!! I’ll leave the pots on my drive, labelling your pots. You’ll need a box or tray to put them in.


Please if possible can I have them back one day. I’ve potted up over 200 plants!!

Any other news?

I hope you are all well and keeping busy. We seem to watch a film every other evening, Last week we watched “One Man two Guvnors” on Netflix and also “Kon Tikt”. The National Theatre at Home is showing one production a week, and this week it’s Treasure Island. It’s free and well worth a look. 

Can you recommend any films or boxsets? 


Newsletter from Graham

Good Afternoon,

I hope you are all well and coping in these difficult, unreal times. I hope you’re OK with food and supplies generally. I’m certainly impressed with the food delivered by Rosalies!! Let’s keep talking to each other, and if anyone needs help, you must ask. We are all in this together!!

And another beautiful day, and we are all doing as we are told and staying indoors! I bet you all our gardens have never looked so good and I am so advanced with my vegetables this year.

As usual I will be selling tomato plants, courgettes plants, pepper plants, chilli plants and cucumber plants. They are all 50p each and all the money goes to Sylvia ‘s SMILE CHARITY. I’ve already potted up over 60 plants, with many more to do. Next week I’ll be able to send you a list of all the plants for sale, and how many I have. It will then have to be a first come first served.

Obviously we will need to work out the best way you can get them? You’ll probably need to collect them from my drive whilst exercising or doing a shop!   Also, if possible, payment online would be the easiest method.

                                                  I WILL KEEP YOU INFORMED NEXT WEEK.

A big THANK YOU to Brian Knowles!!!  Brian walks down to our Green every day as his exercise. He has been weeding, mowing and generally keeping the place tidy! This is a great thing for the Club, so when we are eventually allowed out to play, things will be in good order!! Thanks also to Merv and Steve Morris who have cut the green this week.

Any other news? Sylvia has cut my hair again!! Only a trim this time! Sorry Pie, but I had a magners and ice last night! 26 days alcohol free was good, but it’s not the right time to take away all our treats!!!

Sylvia is doing her daily Walk the Wight! Once again THANK YOU to all those who donated to such a worthwhile cause.

Message from Sylvia

Hi Bowlers, 

Thank you for your support in donating money to my Just Giving page for Walk The Wight. It’s really kind of you. I always aim to get £100 every year and we’re there already!

I’ve made a poster for Mez, to go on my t-shirt and I’ll get G to take a photo of me today so you’ll be able to see the poster. 

I hope you’re all ok and managing alright. When this is all over, I’ll make a cream tea for you wonderful bowlers!

See you all one day. 

Until then, hugs to you all, 

Sylvia x

Message from the President

Dear Membership,

                                We are now all experiencing unprecedented times which are going to be hard to manage, but we are a strong Club with a fighting attitude and will come out of this period with an even greater togetherness. Yes it is a huge disappointment to have lost this Season but life is more important. I am sure with the Committee we have, they will always be working for your interest at heart.

                                If anyone has a problem, please do not hesitate in contacting either Brian Knowles or Myself and we will endeavor to assist you in any way we can.

                                I wish you all good health, stick to the guidelines and remember there is always a tomorrow.